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100 funniest things we’ve read on a CV by Nathan Lloyd

100 funniest things we’ve read on a CV by Nathan Lloyd   personal development

Disclaimer:

I found this article on http://www.responsewebrecruitment.co.uk
Its author is Nathan Lloyd.
I am re-posting it so that my reader may benefit from this article and yes, enjoy it. Please do visit his website and take advantage of his professional services if you wish to.

 

1. ACHIEVEMENTS – “I came first in the school long distance race”

2. HOBBIES – “Horse rideing,like going pub when havent got my kids.looking after kids and doing stuff with them when they anit at school.”

3. EMAIL ADDRESS – Lazysod@……

4. ACHIEVEMENTS – “Being sober”

5. ABOUT ME – “My favourite colour is Toupe, cos it rhymes with Dope”

6. REASON FOR LEAVING – “It was hard work”

7. PERSONAL PROFILE – “I be no stranger to double-entry. I loves numbers, and my wife and I loves journals and ledgers! Can also do tricky sums when I puts my mind to it. Computor litrate.”

8. COVERING LETTER – “This is my CV I am intrested in any job opening use have avaiable if u could please send a vercation that you reciceved the email”

9. PERSONAL PROFILE – “I do have convictions (drug offences) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16-18 and have a caution for 4 years ago for criminal damage”

10. HOBBIES – “Marital Arts” (Possibly meant martial arts?)

11. KEY SKILLS – “Perfectionist with a keen I for details.”

12. HOBBIES – “Space Travel”

13. EMAIL ADDRESS – Batfacedgirl@………..

14. EMPLOYMENT HISTORY – “Whilst working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people”

15. HOBBIES – “i like playing sport, which i fined gives me a winning appitite for life’”

16. KEY SKILLS: “I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.”

17. HOBBIES – “enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians”

18. JOB HISTORY – “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse”

19. SKILLS – “Fantastic ability in multi-tasting.”

20. SIZE OF EMPLOYER: “Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”

21. SKILLS – “Speak English and Spinach.”

22. STRENGTHS – “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”

23. SKILLS – “I have technical skills that will simply take your breath away.”

24. MARITAL STATUS:- “Celibate”

25. SKILLS – From an IT Engineer, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”

26. EMAIL ADDRESS – hotsexyluv@…….

27. KEYS SKILLS – keeping family home clean, tidy and hygienaic undertaking basic DIY.operating domestic taskslike cleaning,washing,cooking.dealing with emerengencies smoothly.dealing with health issues,superivsing,supporting,guiding and organising children.

28. CV GAP – Candidate explained his gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for 3 months!

29. KEY SKILLS – “But wait…there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”

30. PRINTED CV – Candidate sent over their CV printed on the back of their current employees headed company paper

31. SKILLS – “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”

32. JOB HISTORY – “Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable”

33. SKILLS – “I am a rabid typist”

34. HOBBIES – “My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people”

35. COVERING LETTER – “I am extremely loyal to my current employer….Feel free to ring my office if you are interested in my CV”

36. KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

37. EDUCATION – “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”

38. HOBBIES: “donating blood – 12 litres so far.”

39. KEY SKILLS: “Assisted with filing, billing, printing and coping”

40. KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Oversight of entire department.”

41. EDUCATION – “University: August 1890 to May 1993″

42. WORK EXPERIENCE –“ I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”

43. EMAIL ADDRESS – homeboy@……

44. KEY SKILLS – “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”

45. QUALIFICATIONS – “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

46. COVER LETTER – “Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated”

47. REASON FOR LEAVING – “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”

48. KEY SKILLS – “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”

49. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Night stalker in Tesco”

50. HOBBIES – “painting my toenails in varying colours”

51. JOB HISTORY – “Promoted to area manger to oversee 37 storefronts.”

52. KEY SKILLS – “I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”

53. COVER LETTER – “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”

54. EMAIL ADDRESS – dumbblonde@…….

55. AWARDS – “National record for eating 23 pancakes in 2 minutes”

56. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Child care provider, organised activities; prepared lunches and snakes”

57. KEY SKILLS – “Good people skills, except when people get on my nerves. Which is hardly ever, no more often than once every ten minutes. ”

58. COVER LETTER – “I’m submitting the attached copy of my CV for your consumption.”

59. ACHIEVEMENTS – “Planned building of new building at £2.5 million over budget.”

60. KEY SKILLS – “I am very used to working with thigh schedules.”

61. COVERING LETTER – “looking for a party-time position.”

62. KEY SKILLS – “I am quick at typing, about 30 word pers minute, 45 with strong coffee.”

63. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

64. KEY SKILLS – “I am a tiger when needed, but otherwise a pussycat.”

65. NUMBER OF DEPENDENTS – “40″

66. REASON FOR LEAVING – “I din’t give the company my full effort and received no chance of carer advancement in return.”

67. COVER LETTER – “I host a superlative proficiency for resolving complex systematic problems. I have pedagogic expertise conducting sales, and I can be quickly utilized as an assiduous, visceral and proactive problem solver.”

68. REFERENCES – “Clare” (We might need a little more info)

69. KEY SKILLS – “Very experienced with out-house computers.”

70. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing and executing final candidates.”

71. CURRENT SALARY – “£28,000. Salary desired: £170,000.”

72. KEY SKILLS – “I am a great team player I am”

73. PERSONAL PROFILE – “I’m a lean, mean, marketing machine”

74. REASON FOR LEAVING – “Company insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

75. HOBBIES – “Running, editing video, cooking, writing and wondering”

76. COVER LETTER – “I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company.”

77. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Dispensed medication and passed out.”

78. JOB TITLE – “Ass. Manager.” (Possibly meant assistant manager? At least I hope so.)

79. KEY SKILLS – “Being bilingual in 3 languages.”

80. COVER LETTER – “Dear Sir/Modem.”

81. KEY SKILLS – “My qulifications include close atention to detail.”

82. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Worked in a office where I carried out my own accountant.”

83. COVER LETTER – “Sorry for any incontinence.”

84. GAP IN CV – “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”

85. DESIRED POSITION – “Profreader.”

86. KEY SKILLS – “Grate communication skills.”

87. COVER LETTER – “Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

88. KEY SKILLS – “I supervise employees with the iron fist!”

89. COVER SKILLS – “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

90. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying, negotiating and sock-control experience”

91. COVER LETTER -”I’m submitting my CV to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience”

92. KEY SKILLS – “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.”

93. HOBBIES – “Relaxing with family and friends watching action movies”

94. PERSONAL PROFILE – “I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.”

95. REASON FOR LEAVING – “Responsibility makes me nervous”

96. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Whilst working in the hairdressers I had to deal with a lot of old biddies”

97. SKILLS – “I have a lot of integrity so I promise not to steal office supplies and take them home.”

98. EDUCATION – “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”

99. COVER LETTER – Why should you employ me? I bring doughnuts on Friday.”

100. WORK EXPERIENCE – ““Filing, billing, printing and coping.”

100 funniest things we’ve read on a CV by Nathan Lloyd   personal development

 From: loymachedo.com

About Adam Nguyen

Adam Nguyen is a freelance blogger who passionate about books, personal development , internet marketing. He created this website to share what he has learn on How to get Rich and Successful in life. Hoping it will be useful for you :)

One comment

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